Wednesday, Jul. 01, 2009

Learning to Forgive: A 7-Step Process

By Janna Quinn

Contributing Writer

Most people know they should forgive those who have done them wrong, but do not know how to forgive or what it means.

A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past offers a process to help readers release the negative feelings they may harbor towards another person.

The book, written by Colleyville resident Kristin Robertson, was published in March and outlines a special program designed to help readers move forward with their lives.

The book is essentially a how-to guide that not only teaches forgiveness but cultivates self-expression.

"Writing about hurtful experiences helps you make sense of your deepest thoughts and feelings by extracting memories from the emotional brain," she said. "When translating them to written language, the analytical brain can process them."

The book talks about a seven-step process in detail and provides six other chances to write about forgiveness opportunities.

It is important to dispel several myths about forgiveness, Robertson said.

"Forgiveness is not just forgetting about a hurtful incident or person," she said. "You need to fully process your feelings about the incident to achieve forgiveness, and stuffing emotions away into a dark closet in your mind does not help."

According to the book, forgiveness is not about condoning the other person’s behavior or protecting them from the natural consequences of their behavior. It is also not about having to be friends with the person you forgive.

Robertson said forgiveness is the attainment of inner peace or tranquility toward the person who hurts you. One can test their level of forgiveness by thinking of the person and noticing if they stay calm.

Robertson was inspired to write this book after an effort to forgive a business partner.

"For [more than] six months, I carried anger, resentment and bitterness toward this person," she said. "Every time I thought of the situation, I would get mad all over again."

Realizing there had to be something better than carrying anger, Robertson started studying forgiveness books and methods.

"Nothing worked for me," she said. "That was when I developed the seven-step process described in my book. I’ve had many opportunities to work the process, and I can say with confidence that it works."

The book is a process in which the reader writes about the hurtful incident and examines their thoughts and emotions about it. Once the incident has been processed, the book details a method that can help change one’s viewpoint and enable one to gain a wider perspective of the incident.

Another step is writing, but never sending, a letter to the person to be forgiven, then consciously "blessing the person" (instead of cursing them).

"Blessing them forms a new, neural pathway in your brain that leads you to compassion instead of anger and hatred," Robertson said.

The book is based on research that suggests that journaling about emotional memories is a very effective way to reduce your stress and improve your health, she said.

Robertson said that numerous readers have been able to benefit from her book. One reader reported that he was able to forgive his ex-wife and regain the "spring in his step."

Another person was able to forgive her ex-husband and, as a result, built friendlier relations with him and her estranged children.

At her book launch/signing party on May 31 at Pathways Church, Robertson announced a new YouTube video about avoiding the need for forgiveness. The video will be released this summer.

The book’s Web site www.aforgivenessjournal.com will announce its release.

The video will show how a forgiveness opportunity is created in one’s mind.

"As an adult, you can choose your reaction to a situation, and that reaction can be one of anger and resentment or of understanding and compassion," Robertson said. "If you catch yourself in the act of getting angry and resentful, you can actually avoid the need for forgiveness."

Robertson is focused on leadership development, executive coaching and personal growth topics.

Her firm, Brio Leadership, offers values-based leadership consulting, coaching and training.

Her corporate Web site, www.brioleadership.com, includes articles that explore how to incorporate spiritual values into everyday life.

Robertson has lived in Colleyville for 10 years with her husband, two college-aged children and a dog.